Sunday, February 19, 2006

The Blast Furnace for February 19, 2006...

Putting a gumband around the week that was, here's The Blast Furnace for February 19, 2006:

1. The cold warm cold weather. There’s nothing something no way there’s anything to this global warming thing.
2. Quail hunting. What a boon it would have been if Dick Cheney had his accident in Ligonier.
3. Betsy the painted cat. Painting live cats turns out to be a horrible experimental successor to putting painted dinosaurs around town.
4. Spring training. Pittsburgh Pirates Manager Jim Tracy takes the field for the 1st time in Bradenton and sees his shadow meaning 6 more months until the Steelers report to Latrobe.
5. The Pro Bowl. The NFL’s gift to Bob Pompeani for logging an astonishing 250 hours of live local television in the month of January listening to Craig from Kilbuck dissecting the stitching of Ben Roethlisberger’s gloves.
6. $34,180. The cost of an entire year of academic humiliation at Carnegie Mellon University is still less than the $51,840 that 4 Home Plate Club seats will set you back at PNC Park, not including All-Star Game tickets -- and you get more meals included.
7. Crossing the tracks. Increase in suicides from overpriced subpar chain store restaurant meals causes Homestead to shut dangerous railroad crossing within a month of making the previously preferred method, taking the Homestead (“Hi-level”) Greys Bridge virtually inaccessible.
8. Valentine’s Day. Trust me, an Alan Faneca jersey is not a good present for your wife (and no, the white one is not “slimming”). Go with the teddy bear with a heart.
9. Powerball. Because even though I have a better chance of being struck by lightning than winning the $365 million, I’m even less likely to earn it.
10. (No) Voting Record. Why didn’t Lynn Swann vote all of those times? He had ballet lessons.

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